Thursday, November 1, 2012

Most Embarrassing Moments (For HIM)

I get kinda all creeped out when thinking about the most embarrassing moments I have witnessed when it comes to men and fitness.

Usually embarrassing moments for men have something to do with their junk.  And by junk I mean genitals.

So let's get to it.

Running Shorts

Boys, leave these suckers in the drawer.  Better yet, just get rid of them altogether.  Running shorts are loose, and short, and offer very little in the way of "support".  Running shorts are fine for when you're running on the road.  They are fine for when you're on the trails.  They ARE NOT FINE for any of the following activities done in public:
  • Kickboxing (spillage)
  • Spinning class (spillage)
  • Abdominal exercises (spillage)
  • Stretching on the floor (spillage)
  • Stretching while standing with one leg elevated (spillage)
  • Bending over and tying your shoes (spillage)
  • Standing near a second story railing, stretching on the second story railing, or anything where the people on the first story can look up and determine the level of manscaping you've achieved.
Notice a theme here?

I believe that there are three different types of people who wear these shorts:
  • Creepy Guy who wants people to look at his junk
  • Oblivious Guy who bought the shorts thinking they were comfortable, or who's wife bought the shorts for him
  • Runner Guy who thinks that spillage is a just one of those bodily functions that is part of the running regime, like spitting, blowing snot, and chaffed nipples.
So really, running shorts only count as embarrassing when you are Oblivious Guy, and maybe slightly when you are Running Guy.  To Creepy Guy - stop it.  That's just gross.

The one story that comes to mind is at a particular facility back in the day when the "Aerobics Room" was decorated with strobe lights, neon lighting around the room, and maroon carpet.  The thing to do, in those days, was to complete your fitness class with 5-8 minutes of abdominal work on the floor, followed by a full-body stretch.

Settling into the exercise mat, immediately next to the stage, was a friend of mine. We can call him Ted.  Ted is Oblivious Guy on the border of Creepy Guy.  Ted was all comfy-cozy on that exercise mat...really comfy and cozy.  Doing his ab crunches in the glow of the pink neon lights.

I look down, and immediately below me is Ted's nutsack, splayed out and basking in the glorious neon.  Ted was thouroughly embarassed when I asked him to put his exercise balls away. Poor Ted.

Bad Running Shorts

Wear Running Shorts If You Look Like This (and only if!)

We'll come back to Ted in a later blog, which is probably MY most embarrassing moment, and eerily similar to Ted's.

The moral of the story: tuck your junk, when in doubt, don't wear it out.